I’m not sure how long this letter will be. There’s so much I want to say yet so little. The straightforward version would be, “Dear Love, I need you. I want you.”
It’s only right, however, that I give you more details. Truthfully, I already have you; it’s just that I need and want you in another way, on another level. I want your romantic version. I want the part of you that’s passionate. I want your butterflies. I want the love that will make me perfect in his eyes. The love that, no matter how much my external being changes, will cause my lover to always see me as beautiful. Love that makes them honor, adore and care for me. See? I want a deeper depth. I need that part of you that makes me want to give my heart, freely, without fear, shame or regret. That part that drives and causes me to live selflessly, giving my all to one person for the rest of my life. I need that love that’s wrapped in friendship, laughter and romance, that’s carried and presented in sacrifice, and strong enough to withstand any pressure or pain. Can I have that?
I’m aware that the real question has more to do with whether or not I am prepared for that part of you. Am I healed enough? Am I mature and settled enough to commit to the responsibility of maintaining such a beautiful existence? If given the chance to live in love’s beauty, could I handle it? Am I ready to experience love like never before? My heart longs for your depth, yet there are parts of my being that is afraid of the vulnerability and trust required. I realize that you won’t force yourself on me. I have to believe in you. I have to be willing to accept you without so readily regurgitating questions about your authenticity. You are real and healthy, romantic love is possible! I know this. I believe this. Why do I have such a hard time letting go and fully expecting to know this part of you? I guess it’s fear. Fear of repeating the past. It’s fear of the ‘what ifs‘ and the ‘what might be’s‘. I’m afraid of my life changing negatively. I can’t help but ask, what if I stay here? What if I never move beyond this place? What if I don’t find true love because I refuse to fight for my faith in it?
I celebrate you, Love – love of self, friendship, family and womanhood. I’m comfortable here. I’m comfortable being single and celebrating my milestones and successes as an independent woman. There’s risk, but I’m in control. I determine how far, how deep and how high I go. I feel safe. Honestly, it isn’t enough, though. I love my life; but I want more. I want to celebrate my success with the love of my life as well as share in their celebrations. I know I have to make a choice. I have to decide. Do I follow my heart and trust you or do I rely on the logic that tells me to put you off another year or two?
I know what I need to do. It’s just easier said than done; but I’m capable. I will continue to challenge, encourage and inspire my heart to heal. I’ll take another step forward and continue my journey of hope, healing and becoming a better woman. I’m willing to do the work to get what I want. Someday, sooner than later, I’ll give my heart to and be vulnerable with someone special. I will. I promise you.